Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
