i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
