i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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