You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Randomize
