Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
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