You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
