I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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