I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain