I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
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I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
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This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.