So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I will be naked everywhere
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
