I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
They have beer where we have blood.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.