Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
