Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
