Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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