I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
