im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
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