You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
