im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize