moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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