defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
