Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
