You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
