I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
