I will die if light touches me.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
