Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I want a musical about memes.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
