There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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