is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
