I swear she didn't look like that last week.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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