She just used a chaser for red wine.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
