Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
