How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
