Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Randomize
