Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
