Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
