my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
