i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
be right there i have to get my cape
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
