On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
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