we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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