wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
