I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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