Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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