OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Randomize
