never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
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