Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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