i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just pee around me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
