genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Randomize
