I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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