I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
