You just made me feel so damn special
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
