areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Randomize
