My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Randomize
