This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
