I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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