I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
