I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm just crazy horny about you
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
