respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
