I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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