I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
All I want is dick and wine.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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