I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
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