This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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