I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
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He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
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You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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